Tag Archives: memories

سیری در آلبومهای قدیمی مادر

همه دست می زنند.

انگار مادر روسریش را برداشته

خدای من!

قطره اشکی از چشمها می آویزد

از تحسین زیباییش.

حد ندارد.

رنگی بالاتر از سیاهی موهایش نیست در دنیا

به سپیدی این لباس قسم

خوشبخت می شوند.

آنسوی اتاق پدر امضا می کند.

امضای بی مثالش

اگر خدا بخواهد اولین و آخرین امضاست از این امضاها

بر روی این برگ.

به خم و انحنای این امضا قسم

به پای هم پیر می شوند.

مادربزرگ می خندد.

گلهای روسریش… به چه زیبا شده اند!

به شکوفه های روسری مادربزرگ قسم

دوست خواهند داشت یکدیگر را.

به گندم این سفره

به عسل، قطاب و نبات قسم

سفره شان هرگز خالی نخواهد بود.

به صافی این آینه

به گرمی آن شمع

آینده زیباست و

زیبایی آینده است.

بوی یاس در اتاق پیچیده…

خدا را می بینی؟

به این یاس

محفلشان هرگز خالی از حضور او نخواهد بود.

ای زمان. رحم کن.

ای غربت، ای تنهایی. ای رفتن، ای گذشته. خانه ام، وطنم، ریشه ام

برگرد.

لحظه ای مقابلم بایست تا تو را خوب بنگرم.

می خواهم تو را خوب بفهمم، دریابم که تو چیستی و که.

اما زمان چه کوتاه است برای چنین چیزها.

زمان چه بی رحمانه می گذرد. چه سنگدل است زمان.

ای کاش دست کم می گذاشتی خودم را در آینه ات ببینم.

ای کاش دستم را می گرفتی و با خودت می بردی.

ای کاش به سرعت خودت از این آوارۀ احساسم می گذشتم.

افسوس که من زندانی مکانم و تو ای زمان،

تو چه آزاد،

تنها می گذری. می روی بی قید و بند.

و من بنده و بردۀ این دنیایم. احساسم. چشمانم.

همه دست و پایم را گرفته اند.

* * *

ای سکوت، ای خاطره، ای نزدیکتر از پوستۀ بدنم.

با من بمان که رفتنت مرا سنگینتر کرده.

مرا به امان خودم رها کرده ای.

بمان و دستم را بگیر.

بمان ای لحظۀ کوتاه.

ای کوتاهی، گذرا.

من دستهایم ناتوانند و تنها قلبم از این ناتوانی می رنجد.

* * *

ای زمان.

سنگینیت به کوتاهیت نمی ارزد.

من توان جبرانش ندارم.

من زندانی حقیقتم، رحم کن. بایست.

Midday Moon

I was the wind. The sound of me, my father.

“Phooo…. hooo…. blow like the wind!” he said as he pushed me, as I went forth… and back to him… forth… and back again.

I ran my wind fingers in the emerald locks of the trees. I curled myself like the breeze and soared into the blue skies. My wind fingers held on tight to the chains as I let loose and fell back into the arms of gravity. And my dad was there to push me. 

I spied the half-moon as he slid in and out of its hiding place, peeking in and out from behind the trees, and it was the middle of the day. How exciting it was to see the midday moon, to greet him after lunch… and it wasn’t bedtime. And my dad pushed behind me, making my wind sounds, blowing me higher and higher. And I was the wind.

Children lined up by the metal bars of the swing set, awaiting their turn. I knew nothing of it… I was in a world of my own. I watched the trees as they turned their heads toward me and away. As I swung forward, they turned to look at me. And all the leaves slid past each other to hide their faces as I fell back, to be pushed again. The spiral slide in the middle of the playground swirled back and forth with my swinging, children screaming as they rode down the ruffles of its skirt, children floating down, to climb again up the spiral ladder, stepping one after another like a herd of horses on its triangular, yellow rungs. I twirled the slide as I swung to and fro. The see-saws, the merry-go-round all danced around me as I blew like the wind. 

I had the world at my control, worshippin me. I spun the earth on my wind fingertips, curling to and fro as my dad pushed.

“Push harder!”

“Phooooooooo…”

For a moment I stretched my legs above the treetops. For a moment, the clouds came so close to my face that I almost felt a cold, wet kiss on my face. A fleeting moment of sky blue painted my entire being. For a moment, I closed my eyes, and flew… but I was a young bird. I soared down, to be pushed again.

“Can you push yourself with your legs now?”

I fell back into reality. Impatient children awaited their turn at the swing set.

“Baba… let’s go home.”

Where All the Stories Dwell

When I was a little kid, my mother always told me that the walls heard everything we said, and they remembered it. I always hoped that someday, someone would invent something to suck out all the memory inside the walls. Where all the stories dwell.Because that’s where all the stories are.

On the wall in the stairwell in my grandfather’s old house, there was a huge stain. It was approximately the size of a small dolphin, the color of a pale dolphin, glossy like a waxed dolphin. But it wasn’t a dolphin, it was something else.

Sa'd Aabad Museum: "This is an eat or be eaten jungle..."

I passed by it every morning on my way down to the kitchen on the first floor from my room on the third floor. I stared at it every morning as I flung my book bag on my back. I stared at it as I challenged myself to climbing two unusually high steps at a time. I was obligated to make sure it was there all the time. If I didn’t watch over it, surely it would disappear; surely it would fade or even shrink. Thanks to me, it was always pale grey, sprawled across a white wall like a dolphin, except it wasn’t a dolphin. It was something else.

Where writings are etched.Perhaps it was a mistake made some fifty years ago by a clumsy painter. Perhaps he had rheumatism and couldn’t hold the paint brush quite right, or had broken his right arm during a construction accident and had to paint with his left hand and accidentally dipped the paintbrush in the wrong paint because his left hand wasn’t used to where all the paint buckets were. Maybe he was thinking about a dolphin while painting and decided to paint one on the wall. A really deformed, overweight dolphin. I couldn’t explain it. Maybe it wasn’t a mistake.

Maybe it was intentional, an artistic message in the shape of a small, deformed, waxed dolphin. Maybe it had a purpose, a meaning, a hidden intention on the artist’s part. Perhaps the artist was a native of the Bandar, the coast, and was homesick. Perhaps he had a really precious dolphin stuffed animal during childhood, a confidant. Perhaps he believed a dolphin-shaped painting on the wall would bring the inhabitants of the house happiness. It could also be that the painter wanted the inhabitants of the house to think that it was a mistaken stain on the wall and the fault of clumsy painters. Maybe by making the homebuyers think that a mistake was made in the painting of the wall, he would discourage them from buying the house and could keep the house for himself. Maybe he really liked the dolphin on the wall and had grown really attached to it. Too bad, because my grandfather bought the house anyway, some fifty years ago.

Where colors live. Forever.Or possibly, the stain on the wall was just that, a stain, no intentional dolphin-shaped painting or a carefully-sketched scheme to repel buyers. Maybe it was a mistake so huge that the real estate company couldn’t get rid of it, the same way we couldn’t paint over it. Ever. Maybe the real estate company decided to sell the house for a cheaper price because of the huge mistake made on the wall, and maybe my grandfather bought it because he thought he could easily paint over it. Or maybe the real estate company actually liked the stain. Maybe they decided to attach a story to it, or maybe they stared at it every morning too, like I did. Maybe they decided to raise the price of the house and my grandfather bought the house because he liked the story that the real estate company told him about it…

No. I’m pretty sure my grandfather didn’t buy the house on account of a stain on the wall. He was a physicist. He probably liked the house because he thought it was stiff and stable, sturdy and solid, and soundly structured.

The wall from a girls' high school in Iran.No one would tell me about the stain on the wall. I concluded that the stain probably got there after my grandfather bought the house. There was probably a story that my uncles weren’t proud of talking about, because I had heard they were really mischievous. Maybe they had set fire to the carpet in the stairwell landing and burned the paint on the wall, and before my grandfather could come over and turn red in anger, not say a word because he was too wise to yell and scold, and before he could stare them into putting out the fire, a dolphin had appeared on the wall. Except it wasn’t a dolphin, it was something else. I would someday invent something to listen to all the stories inside that wall. Someday, I would know for sure.

If only that wall hadn’t been knocked down to give way to an apartment building.

Where worlds are imprisoned.

پشت درگاه بهار

مثل یک نقاشی

خاطراتی دارم.

عکسهایی در ذهن، مثل یک نقاشی آبرنگ.

در دلم رؤیاییست، پر و بالش از جنس آبشار.

شیشه های دوغ روی سنگهای سردش، زیر شلاق تیز آب زلال.

در دلم آوازیست، از سکوت رودخانه سرشار.

و نشستن در باغ قالی، زیر بال بلبل، در بر قرینه وار تقشش

رنگ نقاشی خاطراتم است.

و چه می چسبد یک فنجان چای

چه صفا دارد یک بیت  از قول حافظ

آنوقت که در قلب طبیعت بتپد

بدود در رگهای آهو

چون ندای پر نشاط نوروز.

و چه آرامشبخش است صدای آبی که در کنارم جاریست.

انگار که با آوازش، تنش سرد دلم را با خود می شوید،

زیر لب می گوید با خورشید: دل این دختر را از گرمایت پر کن!

و چنان پر می گردد قلبم از آفتاب

که محبت، امید، آزادی در دل من می شکفند.

ترس و تردید همه در قلبم می شکنند.

جای روزی نو در قلب من می روید.

و وجودم مشتاق دیدار

محتاج فردایی دیگر.

چه تماشا دارد شکستن هر لحظه، پشت درگاه بهار.

خاطراتی دارم. رؤیاهای هم خواهم داشت.